Everything, feels so overwhelming, school, my parents, I would call some what of a love life. School is hell for me, Algebra II class is worse than pulling teeth out without Novocain, I normally break down and cry feeling as though I am not the smartest, no matter how much effort I put into my studies. It is not enough to survive my school, my parents won’t let me be more independent, I feel that their rules are unfair, and I can never enjoy myself. My high school experience is not an “experience”. My life is pathetic and sucks, I am tired of my life, I cannot relax nor think straight in school and at home. My thoughts are of my past love life that may or may not haunt me or linger around me. In fact I fear it, I don’t want what I think it may be . But not just that, I have the notion of sadness or depression. I feel upset with myself for the fact that I was not good enough for any of them, I was nothing to them, pathetic I know but it hurts it feels as though my heart was stabbed completely pierced, stabbed to the point that the blood runs down the dagger. Not even to mention the difficulty coping with the excruciating pain, emptiness and hurt of my love for you. I feel detached from everyone else but you, although I know that I am most detached from you and not the remainder of the world. I listen to soft beautiful music that reminds me of the time we had spent and shared as one, it stimulates and revives my senses of what I once believed was love. I wake up to the tears upon my hand and on my pillow, my heart pounding my head trying to piece the puzzle of your love for me. But how, how could you have ever loved me, you never did… did you, I am nothing. If I was to see you one last time I would ask why you did this to me why did you ever fall in love with me, because now I can no longer forget your memory. The last thing I may think before I die is if you still love me, the way I love you, the way my heart will always be for you.
This ginger-haired musican has inspired me to write about my normal feelings, the thoughts that I have the thoughts that everyone has, but we are the two that decide to share them through our own expresiion. This difines us from yall, him through music, soultry ambition and my piercing words. I feel as though he was the creator of my website, I credit his thought process as that of my own, he has my min and I have his, we both are able to express society in the way of love, lust, past, present and the future. His song give me love inspired me to write voice my feelings and thoughts to the general public and people of the world, My soul craves the lyrics of his heart and my ears are soothed and caressed by his beautious voice, everything about him is out of "the ordinary", but it is like me, as well going against moral expression about people and societal beliefs. If only we had the rightous heart of Ed Sheeran who can see the beauty in everyone.
I want to leave so badly, I want to be able to say I am an independent woman. I want to be able to date whoever I want, to love who I love without always needing their f...... opinion and imput. I am independent in my own mind, the only thing holding me back is my parents. All my friends get to have the regular high school experience, while I am stuck in this hell hole of a life. My life is nothing but work, my only way to relieve my stress is through writing, but who has the time for that, you know.. so I type. My parents don't believe that I have the ability or will power, i don't care what they think anymore. Or what other people think of me, cuz I am not going to change for people anymore. whatever I want to do with my life I will, however I please and whenever.
If I want to be an actress I will, if I want to be an NFL football allstar to hell with it i will, I'd like to see those tuff guys take me down. I will be my own success, if I love this guy what can stop me i will go with him on a date, go to peachwave, hang out at his place watch a movie, be stupid with each other and enjoy my youth and life. Why should I be the one to suffer, and be prohibited from going outside my own room. I like this guy and i think he is attractive, and sexy but hes older and I don't get to see him very often, and I hardley talk to him. I've just known him for years and I want so badly to be with him, and go out. if all else fails I want to at least go out with my friends to the movies, without supervision and to drive myself. I really want to be with him though it's kinda crazy but ya. Anyway I should not let that get in my way hopefully I will be over what was once, what used to be but what no longer can be or ever will be, rather the future. It is hard not to feel anything, if I would I could, unfortunatly my heart is not made out of stone. It started with seeing him the previous week with a person who used to be my best friend. I wanted sink down into my own shoes and hide or crouch in any available space or crevases, when I saw him. The last time we talked was when he was at the basketball tournament and I sprained my ankle in front of him. I have this sense of wanting to be with him so badly, he is very attractive, and I love his smile, I want ro be able to rush to him when I have a bad day and for him to console my inner being. I am not interested in anything other than truely expressing my gratitude to him as a good friend and perhaps a few kisses here and there. Then I saw him on thursday, coincidentally at a bus stop near the bus transportation I board to get to school and back. I tapped on the glass several times, hoping that he would take notice of me, my heart skipped a beat when he looked up but not at me. At the bus coming to transport him elsewhere, to steer him as far away from me as possible.
I watched as he left right out of my life at that moment I knew I was not going to be the same.I thought that he clearly ignoreed me, he called me a mistake, I don't consider myself a mistake, in fact I helped boost his self esteem. I really do care about him and it was as though I was under his spell two summers ago at the Roosevelt pool. I miss him so much, mostly his listening skills, his imput and his smile when he had braces. He hated his braces, yet I was the person to find beauty in them. I found his face structure unique, what made it exquisit was his nose, slightly inwardly impressed into his face. I believed that at one point he had some sort of feelings for me, but now I am nothing more than a vivid memory. I wanted nothing more from him than for him to just look up and notice me even to look at me the way he once had. I remeber when he would come to visit me his eyes practically lit up, or perhaps they were mine, whatever the case was I was completly hooked on him and still am. When I was with this other guy I longed for it to be him. I still do, but the difference is ... I am alone. It feels as though I have gotten the cold shoulder, that I was the only resort, he never liked me, he liked my friend. It was obvious, her flirtation skills exceeded mine by far, yet I was the person amongst four, and one of the most genuine and easiest on the eyes to be the quiet one. I felt out of place there, I was completly hypnotised and intised to his mouth, the way his lips moved, not even hearing the words that came out, paying no meaning to rhyme or subject. I felt as though I could not compete with her, due to her correctly proportional anatomic physique. I didn't have the jugs to wear the tight bikini's. But I sure would have beat the hell out of it through my personality. We both look the other way as if we never had a chemistry or bond amonget one another, and guessed that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me while I am viewed as a mistake, and best of all my friend who got what she wanted most of all and what he wanted most of all. I just have to endure the sight and piercing words of I love you. |