I had this dream last night, it was not an ordinary dream, I woke up confused but quite happy. I had a vision as if I was in some sort of a maze, but it was nothing but brush. There were the bodies of lifeless alligators, I don't know if they were props or real, but it scared me senseless. I had a tour guide and my previous ex boyfriend was my tour guide. I fell through this piece of grass like turf or terrain, I slipped inside this hole, that had nothing but darkness surrounding it. The tour guide jumped in after me and I rose to a stance where I found myself on a hard surface that was slick and hallow.There was nothing but glass windows surrounding me and a bright ray of sunlight had shown through and I saw my ex holding a rose in his hand and he was starring at me. I was unsure to what he wanted, supposed he wanted attention but his eyes were sincere and slightly wet. As though a tear was forming, I opened the window blindly and he came up the side and told me he was a fool and loves me. He asked me to prom and a rainbow formed behind him through the reflection of the glass which almost seemed transparent I saw the purple ray of light from the various colored lines above him bend to an angle which pointed directly into his heart. My eyes lit up and I told him I was waiting for him for months to come around, and he said I will no longer have to wait. I was wearing a beautiful sequin short purple prom dress that he bought for me. He placed a necklace around my neck which went beautifully with the sparkles on the dress, and we danced to the song we first listened to as a couple. I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me and wanted to go to college with me. We then went home together and watched old films and drank apple juice in my room. .. Unfortunatly I woke up and realized that maybe ... just maybe my life is better off without him.
For the upcoming year i solemly promise to do and try my best in all that I do. I want to enjoy life, to stop obsessing about other peoples thoughts about me. You know srew them, I know what I am. This keypad is like the piano i have at home. Sitting open, untouched. My life is just begining, its not nearly over. I will dance more, I will sing and share a smile brightly and proclaim my voice as a gift and talent not just for myself. Nor keep it locked away, no longer conserving my thoughts to myself, share them and appreciate life more. No longer will I sit around moping wishing I could have done my past actions differently. No more of this concept with invincibility, to consumed in myself and pride to give other people a chance at speech. To forgive and try to forget all who hada hurt me and ask for forgiveness to those that I have hurt. I will try to have an open mind when it comes to dating options and the guys that ask for me. I will have standards for myself and of them. To treat me like a lady, respectfully and ask for my permission for anything and hopefully for everything, to love me for what and who I am and not just for my physical apperance. As well as hearing crap from other people I will no longer take that, I will make sure I have the respect I deserve and no longer will I be that pushover I have been my whole life. To have others hoist their beleifs and thoughts on my shoulders, no more. I will silence my ego, my selfish ways and be a better person, hopefully i will repair the relationship I burned with my family and a couple of other people. I will live and love and be damn happy if I can...... My advice to you is to toaast a glass to yourself here is one for me and one for you, raise it high, cheers and have a Happy New Year!
Last night I was asked to stand in my last quincenera. I did not expect to be asked to dance. In hopes I wanted to be asked of course. But actually the guy I wanted to ask me to dance never did, tall rather dashing in the turquoise shirt against his jet black striking pants. He was a sight, and thinking to myself perhaps as cocky as he may have seemed he didn't have the guts to ask me to the dance floor. Although I would talk to him briefly and every now and again we would find ourselves starring at each other and smiling nervously as if to hide our glances. He had a whole group of girls around him, he enjoyed the attention. Except for me I did not give him that privelage, although I wanted to. I was sitting with another girl, then this guy comes and sits next to me. He must have been in his late teenage years of life or his early tweenties, he was talking to me and a conversation arised. I sacrifficed some of my favorite fast group dances to talk to him. But one of my favorite country songs came on, a slow dance actually (I cannot remeber the name nor the lyrics at the moment), but he of all people asked me to dance. As corny as that may seem I said yes, honestly I wanted nothing more at that very moment. My parents were there, and it was a bit awkward honestly. I did it anyway, I cannot dance at all, he took notice of that and asked why I kept looking down and I laughed and said I was hazardous and was fearful of stepping on his feet. He laughed as well, not at me but the word I used, hahhha hazardous, and dumbly I said "ya". He twirled me and I spinned, in that brief moment I felt as though I was beautiful in my dress and converse. (just the classic attire I had to represent myself). he told me he liked my shoes and I said I do too. If my parents were not there maybe he would have kissed me. Although his nerves were getting the best of him, his hands were sweaty, I could feel the hand around my waist shaking and the hand holding mine was a bit sweaty. But I didn't mind. It was my first dance, kinda pathetic yes, I should have had a dance much earlier, but I could not ask for a better one.
I done know exactly how everyone elses mind sets are but mine is similar to this:
This is no excuse but you know the holidays comes rolling around sas I feel I am now, well with that add a flu that I have had for a couple of weeks and an ankle that can't seem to heal if my life depended on it since the friday of the beginning of the Thanksgiving break. Well I have tried to go to the gym, I have gone and I cannot run, and I feel worthless, I got these awesome colored skinny jeans, even though I normally don't weat them due to my abnormally large calve muscles and small unproportioned ankles; well besides that and my long run on sentence I don't fit in them perfectly, or at least the way I want to. I feel as though the biggest critique is myself, I see these handsome guys at my church and I feel as though I am covered in makeup, completly drenched, and hidding myself behind the double layered eye linear and double length mascarea. I feel as though I don't have the self confidence to be able to even bat my eyes to get their attention. The gift of gab constricts me as if I had no vocal ability and walk away. Its not myself that keeps me from my own happiness its also a huge factor of my parents. I am no longer their little girl, I am just me. I feel as though I am caught in the middle of the past and future but never living in the present moment. College, a wedding, my future my light at the end of hopefully a rewarding tunnel awaits me. While I try to leave my past in the disgusting dirt, the dirt that can never compare to soil which could and will harbor life. My lifeless dead dreary past. I have to look for my own better and best of interests. This includes what other people want to see out of me. Not always meaning my parents though. I am not going to live my life the way they want me to, rather the way I feel. I want to look good, for myself, for other people to enjoy. In the older days red was symbolic of evil, now it is of love and lust. Pink is my favorite color, white with a hint of red. Every person has a hint of red in them. Is this my motive that I am now revealing? Or unveiling? I want to be this creature of the imaginary, not of a fantasy but perhaps of my own. To look and feel beautiful on the outside. I want what I believe is best for me at this point. Which is my health, loosing some weight and getting into college. Then from there hopefully I will be able to graduate early, have the handsomest of all dates at prom, and the nicest and most respective and prove to my parents I am capable of greatness. But most of all prove to myself that I set my mind to something and I can accomplish it exceedingly better than I would have thought. |