I was reflecting on my overall year, as cliché as it may sound I discovered that I did not improve in my philosophies, or make progress towards weight loss, or find a person who would love me for me. But I learned to love myself; I said it is okay to eat what makes you happy, and to stop putting yourself in these twisted positions where you have to choose between lust followed by shame or so called love. I won't hold my feelings in the way I have done for years. I don't want to miss out on opportunities that I may have in the future with someone who I like or love. I want to find happiness for myself, and I will stop where I have been searching because I have left that place crushed and defeated by false promises, and lies. I am worth more than that, I am beautiful inside and out and I will find the love that I deserve. I will have the warm hugs that I have so longed for, the smiles I can share, and the tears of joy I can shed with him. All I have to do is remain optimistic for the year of 2015.
Who am I trying to fool? Am I fooling my parents? Am I trying to fool God? I am just fooling myself. He does not love me the way I want him to love me. He doesn't love me. I am just his convenience, I am nothing more than an object in his eyes. I want to care about people, but I don't even know why I make the effort because no one cares about me. It makes me more mad than anything, I don't want his sympathy, he would not know what empathy felt like if it bit him on the ass. I know how he feels, I showed him I cared, and he shot me in the heart with sarcasm. His words were so paradoxical because he acts as if he cares, he holds me tight and kisses my lips, I give him myself to easily. I am disgusted with myself. I hate who I am, but I can't stop. I feel temporary happiness, then end in tears. I can't let him see me cry, I have to be strong, I have to move on. I can't let him get under my skin. But I know he has already (literally). I don't want to hear him say, I don't want him to say "I am sorry" because it is insincerity. It will eat my insides and deteriorate me slowly. He does not understand how much he meant to me. I tried to move on, but I ended up finding him. He sells himself short and says I will forget him, but he has already forgotten my name. But it is me who has forgotten my identity. I crave success, and happiness. Is it so difficult to ask for someone who will love me. Why is it so hard for people to open themselves? I am practically on the operating table every day of my life. I trust in people with all I have, with all the hope I possess only to receive shit. I have a faulty doctor, and my blood drips down my body onto the floor. I am killed daily inside maybe I will become immune to this virus, maybe I will become numb with novocaine, or drugs. I can't admit everything, but I have a drug that make me feel nothing other than love and emptiness after. I am judged daily, I hope there is enough time for my judgement day, but I already know my verdict. I will rot where I stand, I will be staring it in the face, even though it has lived beneath my face.
The lemons on a tree are ripe during the summer, the yellow color is so full of brightness, freshness and a new love. When autumn comes around the corner they fall from their small branches and drop to the ground. By November they sit decaying on the nearly frozen ground. During the winter season the branches split and crack open leaving the wood splintered and brittle. The spring melts the frozen lemons, worms fester inside, to keep warm and eat the nourishment. Their byproduct creates life, which creates soil, for another lemon tree to grow. It is not as simple as a lemon, or the rotting mass of a fruit carcass. Simplicity, and delicate words help ease the complexity of relationships.
But I dont even know if I could venture out on that limb. It is not a relationship, it never is. He is the tree as always I am the decomposing lemon that is mutilated, and stripped of its dignity. Humility and the barren whitish underlayer of the peel is all that remains. I waste away like I was nothing more than a breeze that came and went. He is a tree sturdy, and ever tender providing life to creatures. I was not the creature, but the once beautiful flower, that turned into the sour lemon, that was left to rot because I could not be picked or caught. When I am gone I hope to to find the other side. I hope that people will see who I am and who I was. Distinguish me out of the billions of people that populate this Earth. See my smile and smile back, the way I used to, the way it was so delicate. I am fragile, tender at heart. There is a young and scared child beneath the hard exterior that appears to be me. the hardened coating of sterile vomit, lies the innocent fly, cold dead and hard.
The number of people who "loved me" would not compare to your love. I would know I am appreciated there, I will no longer feel the pain of yesterday, the inescapable drowning of water that fills my lungs. The natural element that is so light become so heavy on my shoulders, that cause me to decompress and collapse. Under the weight of your light, what weight? There will be nice people, those who have compassion, who don't judge even if it is for the best. I want to be able to feel free, light weight. Hold me in your arms, let the clouds consume me. I want to be one with the earth, release my spirit, grant me the will to do your will. I know I am loved in your eyes, and I know who I am, you see my beautiful heart. even if people can't, or choose not to. Why should I apologize for my life, for the way I live my life. I still believe in you, I still have a beating heart, and blood in my veins. Why is it that people judge me, I can see that, I am smarter than people say I am. I guess I am just delicate. I bruise easily, from the day of birth, I was a yellow color, and anemic. I had an iron deficiency, I wish I was able to explain why I am the way I am. why am I so different from everyone else? Why do I strive to assimilate into cultural norms? I am not that type of person to walk in a set straight path on the hard lifeless concrete in shoes. I am the one to run or skip along the grass and mud barefooted. Why is it that I find myself looking through the glass, but I cannot see the other side. why is it that the sun refuses to shine when I drive around, and it rains only when I feel your grace. The curls in my hair bounce, and have elasticity the way my patience does, the way I can be worn down, and ran real thin. I have the ability to be able to not let it bother me, well at least I can hide my tears beneath my matted hair, my voice mingles with those above the ground, above the dirt I walk on. but beneath the sand, the footprints are engraved in my soul. The sun can set with various colors, vibrant yellows and oranges, the rich color of purple and the pretty pink, with the flaming red jealousy behind it. The crimson color will always overshadow the beauty of pink, with its bodacious appearance. Poor pink, timid little pink, meek at heart. Pink is my favorite color. I'm so small compared to the rest of the world, my size is insignificant but I am the biggest in my class. The green from the grass is beautiful, what a shame it is to be allergic. Never to know the feeling of it all over my body and cheeks. I suppose I am delicate, my lungs collapse under the weight of the crab, shrimp and sea life. I will never be able to enjoy quality food from mother nature's womb. Or the white spherical disc with a golden medallion inside, or it will consume my insides. I am too delicate for this piranha filled pond, I must flee, seek my sanctuary. Ugh, where to start, I feel fat as hell, and bloated, I am waiting for my period, waiting for my biological clock to tick. I always scare myself, I don’t know why I do this to myself, I know I am fine, all will be alright. I will get it, I always do, but there is always that sense of doubt that makes me think what if, or am I? My life would be greatly affected and I won’t be able to do anything that I would want to do like exercise more for prom, be able to get in shape, have fun with my friends. Be able to attend the school that I currently attend, go prom dress shopping, have fun at prom, and go to the after party. I want everything to be normal, I want to be able to go to church without people knowing, or being ridiculed. I cannot be, I cannot even manage to say the words because of how it might affect me. I am too scared to hear it, to know, that one time, was the scariest moment of my life, the other time wasn’t as bad, and this time I am just nervous. Beg, plead, bargain, barter with God. Promise, chastise, willingly give my life to him. If that happened there are three options. Rid, Kill, Have.
Wait, is the only word that can come to mine, I used to think if he wanted me to he would, if he didn't he won't. Wait please, wait for him, wait for her. High up you will be with him. I cannot say I know about me, I have no clue about my fate, but I hope it will be good. I don't ask for much, I just hope it is not what it may be. Have I been taught one to many times? I don't know but when I find out I hope I'll be so happy that I cry. I have not written in a while. I am trying to find what it is that I desire to say. I want to be realistic, I have a crappy relationship, with myself and others. This excludes my friends and family. I have a crappy relationship with men, still. I want to find that everlasting love, I want to feel happy with someone. More than just physical feelings, I want to know that he knows I love him. I want him to love me, and to know that I know he loves me. Maybe I have to wait till college, or past that. I know I have not found love, although I feel as though I have. There is only one man who I can not seem to get out of my head, for what reason it is unclear. I have tried to ignore him, to forget. A picture, a memory or thought drives me wild, tempered with anger and fueled with exhaustion. I want so bad to give in, to shout and curse his name. But if I curse his name, he knows he would win. My inner organ cuts, it splits open, it bursts with the salty red liquid that gushes out. It was never cut before, it had never cried out for moisture from your lips, until you were gone. It cried for you with blood, I cried for you inside myself with the constant blood rush to my head. The lack of motivation, the lack of willingness to go on. To betray you, and let a stranger in Let a few strangers in, let them take your place, and tell me words of comfort. Let them whisper your name that ever so taunts me in my
ear, that sound like a melody, but pierces my soul ever so deep. I met a new man, tall, thin well rounded, sweet and handsome to the touch. Let him love me. I feel so alone, I feel like I can't do this by myself. I feel helpless and lost. I should be on an ultimate high in my life at this point. I will be going on retreat in a few weeks, but I feel nothing. Why do I feel so empty, why can't I cry. I want to be able to let everything go, let it all out. Allow myself the freedom to feel loved and be loved. I know what I am doing and where I am going there is no love. I know that the one that loves me is above. I just wish he could come down and wrap his arms around me. Speak to me. Am I doing right in my life? Am I ok, I know I am not ok. I try so hard to do good, I know I am a good person. But is that enough? I don't feel moved by the word, but only by others experiences. Have I not yet learned my lesson? Apparently not. It continually happens, history repeats itself in many forms. I no longer thirst for it, I don't need that in my life. Just happiness. Just to ease my pain. I feel like I have failed, I am a failure to my brothers, to my family, to my friends, to myself and above all to God. I have sinned way to many times to be forgiven. The words of the priest "You have been absolved from your sins," is that true. Is it supposed to make me feel better telling someone all I have fucked up on in life, and be ridiculed for it behind my back. Or worse the judgement of God. Is it a true test of my faith to say my shit to someone else and own it. Can I not ask for forgiveness on my own terms, in my own comfort. But I betrayed his trust. The trust of God the trust of the man I love, and he doesn't even know. I am a piece of meat, and a dog, I don't deserve half the things I own or have been given. I don't deserve as good of a family as I have. I wish I could go back in time and undo everything I did, stop my legs from shaking, and pull my head out of the gutter. To be able to say Stop and NO with conviction and confidence. If I could be confident with myself, if I could be more than human for a moment and be invincible. If I could have had the strength of a Woman and not a little girl. If I could have, If I should have and If I would have, ... I really would have.
I really would have stopped myself. If I were to go back in my life I would do more to fix it than I said, I would have saved my friend, I would have not done any of those things I am ashamed to admit, I would not have done what I did when my parents were gone. I would have not used that poor boy to feel beautiful, and better than him. I would have said no to sex, no to weed, and no to alcohol. I would have loved my mom more, and maybe she wouldn't be wrapped in her phone so much. I would have appreciated my dad more, and maybe he would have a better job not constantly be working his ass off with long hours and not coming home till late at night. If I would have been a better to sister to my older brother and cared when he asked for advice he would not be in this year of college he is in today, and would have graduated in a year. If I would have taught my little brother right from wrong he would be a more respectful kid, and not feel the urge to do wrong or use violence as a solution. I blame myself for all that has gone wrong in the family, because it is my fault for not doing write. All I can do now is hope and pray that my mistakes do not haunt me for the rest of my life and that everything will find a way to mend itself and my wretched heart. They say if you sing at church it is twice the prayer, but does God hear me. Am I not sincere? I am not who I once was, yet I am still me, when I sing for you it is as if you turn away and hide your face of shame. When I sing I feel so alive, I feel like I am on cloud nine. I want to be the only one to sing to you, to sing your favorite tune and hope you would dance to my melody. A melody that is irreplaceable, unbreakable, and shows people you are my man of steel. My mother disapproves of my talent, disapproves of you, says I am better off alone, or lonely with the rest of the bitter world. Unlike you and me (a smidget of the world's population) we are not astringent, we are stronger than that, stronger than that of a hydrogen bond and more than the world could ever understand. You are me and I am you, I love you with all my heart and no amount of scowling, criticism or tradition will rebuke my mind. The thought of me and you is better than any hit of a bong; better than the sweetest sip of the finest wine, and better than the first kiss a young school girl had by the man of her fantasies. You are more than a fantasy, you are my reality and hopefully my future. So let me sing that cloying melody, that oh too sweet song, the song that will rot and decay the enamel of your overbite. The song that will keep us dancing for the remainder of our nights.
Every Age, Every Stage, fit into society. At 5 a cool lunchbox, and a large box of crayons, 15 thin, attractive and popular. 21, curvy, party day and night. 35 married with two or three children. What about those that bend or break the social norm. What if I am the one to shatter society. I am not the norm, I am the crepet one, the one who cannot hear and is blind to things that cause blinding. Bending? Being held? Longing? Living? Bending, was not meant over a toilet, or face near to the ground as if to lick it before someone else's feet. Being held, I can hold my own. Longing, for what love?, or for my success. Living, it seems as if everyone else is living, working to live. Attractive and thin, glasses, frizzy hair and a book worm, uncoordinated and slow. Shapely, rectangularly yes. I will not bend to satisfy you, or to gain your respect, I will not bend to give more of myself than I need to.. You shall bend to me because I am the future of this society.
The words he speaks are simple, some may say minimal, but I say just enough. He is not much of a speaker, nor who I thought I would see myself with. Complete Polar Opposites, Fear is within me. What if? Is such a scary phrase how about -It will be, It is, I am, He is. He is wonderful, he is handsome, he will like me. I am beautiful, I am unique, I am lovely. A little boost of confidence, I am worth it he is worth it. Differences, among two, bring us together? Is there something wrong with being weird, or not the norm, or it is insignificant. It is not up to us to decide whether we are worthy of each other's company, but we are all worthy of the human affection. I am not saying it is love, or that I am in love but I would like to think in the future I will be. Maybe this is a step in the right direction. Forget those who have wronged you, let go and let your gaurd down. Release your barriers let your heart pump and blood flow, I deserve happiness, and a chance at love. Even if it is not with him I will not have any regrets. I will be myself because thats all I can be and all I can offer. I take a step back to evaluate my past, I take another forward with this acceptance and another with alliviating my anxieties. Grant me release with two steps forward.
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