I have not written in a while. I am trying to find what it is that I desire to say. I want to be realistic, I have a crappy relationship, with myself and others. This excludes my friends and family. I have a crappy relationship with men, still. I want to find that everlasting love, I want to feel happy with someone. More than just physical feelings, I want to know that he knows I love him. I want him to love me, and to know that I know he loves me. Maybe I have to wait till college, or past that. I know I have not found love, although I feel as though I have. There is only one man who I can not seem to get out of my head, for what reason it is unclear. I have tried to ignore him, to forget. A picture, a memory or thought drives me wild, tempered with anger and fueled with exhaustion. I want so bad to give in, to shout and curse his name. But if I curse his name, he knows he would win. My inner organ cuts, it splits open, it bursts with the salty red liquid that gushes out. It was never cut before, it had never cried out for moisture from your lips, until you were gone. It cried for you with blood, I cried for you inside myself with the constant blood rush to my head. The lack of motivation, the lack of willingness to go on. To betray you, and let a stranger in Let a few strangers in, let them take your place, and tell me words of comfort. Let them whisper your name that ever so taunts me in my
ear, that sound like a melody, but pierces my soul ever so deep. I met a new man, tall, thin well rounded, sweet and handsome to the touch. Let him love me.