I feel so alone, I feel like I can't do this by myself. I feel helpless and lost. I should be on an ultimate high in my life at this point. I will be going on retreat in a few weeks, but I feel nothing. Why do I feel so empty, why can't I cry. I want to be able to let everything go, let it all out. Allow myself the freedom to feel loved and be loved. I know what I am doing and where I am going there is no love. I know that the one that loves me is above. I just wish he could come down and wrap his arms around me. Speak to me. Am I doing right in my life? Am I ok, I know I am not ok. I try so hard to do good, I know I am a good person. But is that enough? I don't feel moved by the word, but only by others experiences. Have I not yet learned my lesson? Apparently not. It continually happens, history repeats itself in many forms. I no longer thirst for it, I don't need that in my life. Just happiness. Just to ease my pain. I feel like I have failed, I am a failure to my brothers, to my family, to my friends, to myself and above all to God. I have sinned way to many times to be forgiven. The words of the priest "You have been absolved from your sins," is that true. Is it supposed to make me feel better telling someone all I have fucked up on in life, and be ridiculed for it behind my back. Or worse the judgement of God. Is it a true test of my faith to say my shit to someone else and own it. Can I not ask for forgiveness on my own terms, in my own comfort. But I betrayed his trust. The trust of God the trust of the man I love, and he doesn't even know. I am a piece of meat, and a dog, I don't deserve half the things I own or have been given. I don't deserve as good of a family as I have. I wish I could go back in time and undo everything I did, stop my legs from shaking, and pull my head out of the gutter. To be able to say Stop and NO with conviction and confidence. If I could be confident with myself, if I could be more than human for a moment and be invincible. If I could have had the strength of a Woman and not a little girl. If I could have, If I should have and If I would have, ... I really would have.
I really would have stopped myself. If I were to go back in my life I would do more to fix it than I said, I would have saved my friend, I would have not done any of those things I am ashamed to admit, I would not have done what I did when my parents were gone. I would have not used that poor boy to feel beautiful, and better than him. I would have said no to sex, no to weed, and no to alcohol. I would have loved my mom more, and maybe she wouldn't be wrapped in her phone so much. I would have appreciated my dad more, and maybe he would have a better job not constantly be working his ass off with long hours and not coming home till late at night. If I would have been a better to sister to my older brother and cared when he asked for advice he would not be in this year of college he is in today, and would have graduated in a year. If I would have taught my little brother right from wrong he would be a more respectful kid, and not feel the urge to do wrong or use violence as a solution. I blame myself for all that has gone wrong in the family, because it is my fault for not doing write.
All I can do now is hope and pray that my mistakes do not haunt me for the rest of my life and that everything will find a way to mend itself and my wretched heart.
I really would have stopped myself. If I were to go back in my life I would do more to fix it than I said, I would have saved my friend, I would have not done any of those things I am ashamed to admit, I would not have done what I did when my parents were gone. I would have not used that poor boy to feel beautiful, and better than him. I would have said no to sex, no to weed, and no to alcohol. I would have loved my mom more, and maybe she wouldn't be wrapped in her phone so much. I would have appreciated my dad more, and maybe he would have a better job not constantly be working his ass off with long hours and not coming home till late at night. If I would have been a better to sister to my older brother and cared when he asked for advice he would not be in this year of college he is in today, and would have graduated in a year. If I would have taught my little brother right from wrong he would be a more respectful kid, and not feel the urge to do wrong or use violence as a solution. I blame myself for all that has gone wrong in the family, because it is my fault for not doing write.
All I can do now is hope and pray that my mistakes do not haunt me for the rest of my life and that everything will find a way to mend itself and my wretched heart.