It is as if a bullet had sprung directly from the barrel to my brain. Unfortunatly for my survival my nerves were unparalyzed, from his direct glare, from the overcasting shadow of this handsome mans dark spirit, from the sinister smirk he had while walking away with her beautiful flawless figure in his brawny arms. How I loved him, I always loved him, I still love him, as if he were a drug I needed more so than I craved. Something so addictive, to the point where there was virtually no hault to my inhilation, of my intoxication for him, everything I did was in honor of his name. Did I belittle myself to please him, to try to appease to him, as if I thought even for the slightest of a second that this man would ever love me. I was nothing more than a pretty fool, I will admit that, and he was all I thought he would be but no more than I would have expected. Although I love him dearly, and continue to have him in the back of my mind daily, weekly, monthly yearly. It has been over a year since I last kissed him, since we were one. I never hurt my love, although Dr. T.J Eckleburg, had diminished our existances a bud of us from within has been blooming, but for what to meet its course with the cold stern rigid face of Death? He meant so much to me, more to me now than he did then, perhaps I was a bad person, I never treated him wrongly though, was I supportive, did I put forward my best effort my foot forward to accompany every need before my own, as a woman is told to, as he wanted me to do. The realms of society would applaud my love broadly and bodly in that regard, perhaps of even him leaving me for what seems as though a better ticket, the first class flight with all the stiffs, with all the people who are emotionallly vacant. While I remain in the same seat we were both found in, the lower class, with a beautiful prosperous personality, now I stand looking in the mirror asking, questioning what is wrong with me. Why can I not be like her, the woman wraped around his tight arm. All I invision is his face when he sees her, when I lay dying on the floor, when noone came to my aid, when I needed him, most, in hopes that he would come to my resue, to be my lifegaurd. Where was he, where were his eyes, where were his words for me, but most importantly where had his love gone for me? Was it within his lustful heart to steal mine away in the night, to acclaim hers, when she is the one who has him wraped around her scrutinizing polished dilicate finger. He would give his very life to this woman that my love hardly knew, unaware of her firey eyes her soul of darkness and my longing desire to give my life willingly for him. As if she could cushion the blow to my heart when the words slip like an eel out from her red lips of "my husband", all he said was a lie, my head had been spinning, the body fell to the unforgiving hell where my soul had been ascended precisely at that moment to heaven. While I saw her holding the gun behind her spinless back, when he made his apperance and they left together, once more in each others arms as I once had been. A cushion to my blow as she would put it, but to which blow.
What was I to you... a fling, a thing was I anything? Did you love me the way I loved you, or better yet did you even love me, like you said you would. Am I another fish in the sea, a droplet from the ocean, or the solid single tear that lingers upon my blue cheek. The twinkle in my eye you said I once had is non existent. A drop, a solitary droplet is all I could ever be, engulfed in your entire beauty, all that you made me think, made me have emotions once more. You reserected me from the unforgiving ocean, from the thrashes of the waves, practically the wraft of hell, but amidst an undeniable refinement. You meant so much to me, I can be reunitede with my first love, the love of which lies in the forbidden fruit of Eve, my consolidator, my creator my believer. I can turn to her forgiving eyes, to her soft caress, like a mother holding her child with her soft touch. I plundge deep into the abyss of an unkown darkness of the navy colored twinkles rising above my being. I plundered to my death the ocean consumed my soul, but my body ascended once more into his arms where I could not have invisioned the residency of my death. Was I not a saint in my previous life? I suppose not, by seeing the face of the devil himself, a scornful, burning, corrosive smack on the side of my cheek renders my ear drum, and shatters my heart. As I see her in Lucifer's arms, lovely as she always is with a shapely figure, in a slender glimmering jet black gown, with a long flowing mane of a red mass apon her head. Oh how beautiful she looked, when my shadow was apon the mirror of twelve my love walked right through me, the emptiness of my corpse collapsed in a casket, how he mocked me by placing a single white rose in the hole. With not even another glance darkness fell apon the world, of world, with a single thud, I was thrown back into tne world of my creation. I was once more a drop in the ocean.
Beauty cannot be depicted through the artificial temperance with human anatomy,or with the vapid mind set of the images we would complement with the word 'beautiful'. The darkness against the light is beauty, not necessarily knowing where the light begins, nor where it ends, where the black meets the white, but the realization that black is white. Beautiful are we, without the mindless incentives of the cackles of wicked crows. Deception lingers, as if to swindle you of yourself, of your identity, as a being, as an individual, to conceal you of your beauty. To love, to sing, to anger are all beautiful, the dew on a grass glimmers and shines as our hearts of purity, of happiness of achievements, and successes, applaud the obstacles in life, it only results in artistry. More than plump lips and a pretty face, beneath the heavy constricting makeup, beneath the botox, beneath the debauchery of our own drunken desires, the creation and intention of us was to be originally born into a hideous world. It is unfortunate to say we are the beholder of Beauty.
The reason for you:
Between conception and the time of the hourglass clock, I would spend every minute with you. I love you beyond compare, the reason for you the reason for me, was for the company of one another. As if we were both drops of dew upon a blade of grass, not fare enough to be on the petal of a rose. The scent of the rose is of the scent of meaning, of everything I could ever think of. You have passion, and care so deeply for me, I could not ask for more. I can feel the joy down to my very center to the core of my being. I think aloud I Love You, my heart is in search for you, and of you, even when your presence is near me, or even next to me. Your arms provide support for myself, my weight, my life, my love our love. Your smile reveals your feelings, you can no longer hide. Thrust me up in the air catch me before I hit the ground, plant myself firmly on my feet so you can and scoop me up. The first time our eyes met you saw the sparkle in my eyes your smile had shinned so bright, to the point where I was nearly blinded. I latched onto you as though I was the baby clung to a mother's boosom.( In hopes of finding myself in that position once more, with the love we both have.) You are so light on your feet, although at first glance it would seem as though you could never dance. Tall, brawny, dark haired and blue eyed, so beautiful in fact it I may have to move, to escape your direct stare, My back is errect, quite alert, you say "you are a sight for sore eyes", although I never quite understood what he meant, he makes me feel beautiful. when I wear makeup he smears my liner, in hopes of seeing my eyes, crystal clear he says, my beautiful beauty, the apple of my eyes, the bud to my rose the woman I am fortunate enough to have. Lucky enough to have for every season of every year, of the single days, we wait and begin to grow old, you are perfect for me as I am for you which is the reason I love you. We are all the solstice, are we not? , (Not meaning to be an actual question, more of a thought) We all hav the thought, the desrie of darkness, yet we radiate and emit the light from our soul. We are all the colors, deep in love the colors of red, meaning the blood of life, the blood of death the incarnation of green, not necessarily new but renewed. As well as the yellow of reincarnation, enslaved to our pathetic existinces for another life to live, in hopes of acceptance. The depth of purple as the shadow lingers below the hemispheres, of the hemispheres and engulf us, which forces us to think, to finish the thought of our being. What we are, who we are etc, and most importantly that we have the power to creat such an effect to this degree to where it can impact the globe significantly. The uniqueness of our state of mass, the molecular creation of our physique, the life in our eyes, the cold sterness of our vision. The understanding to absorb anticipation, the beat of our hearts, the siberian bitterness of our tomb that lay beneath the Earth which eventually we will have to endure or are enduring although breathing shallowly, heavily as though we were sinkinfg beneath quicksand. There is essesntially no escape to it, the thought of afterlife is all well and good but it is not relevant to the circumstance of death, to my death, to yours. What to do with all the knowledge that we posses, our ingeniousness leads us to iggnorance, to becoming or being arrogant,we no longer consider friendly gestures nor to give a brief moment to acknowledge the presence of your neighbor. We truely are the face of indignity, and unjust actions, cold, lifeless much like the loom of dark clouds and the shadow cast by the solstice, we are that solsitice.
My inbox of my emails had been piling up as though my life had been, or so it felt with the click of a button I deleted my inbox, I deleted my life. I feel disconnected, I sifted through my messages reminiscing on my old memories my old relations, everything that meant the world to me several months ago. My life was radically altered by one message in particular, the day I told you I loved you, you spat in my face without the slightest feeling of rremorse for saying you did not feel the same way. It was a blow to my heart, to my happiness although my love did not change for you. I altered myself in hopes that i would hear the three words that I desiderate, but did I ever recieve it. He said it as if rising to the occasion, knowing that he would regret it the moment he said it. Did I mean anything to him.. both of us could answer that instantaneously as if an impulse from each of our uncunning ruthless nerves. Do nerves give a damn, do they care, do we care, well at leat I did. I cannot put my finger on why I had, perhaps it was his georgeous face, his angelic features, everything he had that I always wanted, something I thought that I would never be granted in turn. It sounds pathetic really but my life is not really a life, there is nothing enjoyable about it, besides my friends and dogs at school, and my family occasionally. Ii do want to find love, and I have stopped searching, i feel like I have given up but my past continually appears and repeats itself like a never ending dvd rewinder, taking one step forward and two steps back ending up behind where I started..
The lumination of your face is the sunset to my smile. The darkness is the light of your heart in my own. My dress flys in the wind as I see your pants are chapping noisely against the harsh call of the wind. As if it was whispering aloud to love me. The force of your warm hand is overbearing for my frail hand, as though you were crushing me lifelessly. Although I do not mind, I feel your passion, your unmaintained heart which skips a beat every once in a while. it sends me the message of love, you love me do you not. The clouds loom over my head, weighing heavy upon my soul, I cannot escape as eaily as my dress had. My body cannot be as fluid as the rythmetic dance of love, the doubt that I contain is unrealistic, fearing to fall,dreading regret. Can you see my hands shaking beneath your firm grip, my insecurities building up next to you as if you care, do you care?
Lately I have been thinking about what to do with myself, where am I going with my life, it feels as though my time has expireed, as if I am no more. I feel as though I am working towards an unrealistic goal, with nothing in mind, although I know it should mean the world to me. But does it? I feel myself no longer having the motivation and desire to continue what I have never had a passion for, but something that I had to do. I am not doing it just for my sole purpose but to make my parents proud, sometimes I wonder why I even bother. It is something that I have been slaved to, an engraved motion that I must fufill. I cannot doubt myself, but it is difficult not to have that thought in the back of my mind of failure. I have failed in everything throughout the course of my early life, whether it be from school, social acceptance, authority figures or just making a plain fool out of myself. It seems as though I am running in place not going forward nor deteriating, but stuck in my own misery. The thoughts that run through my head are as follows: Am I successful?, Is this what the authority demads of me?, What if I do not make a descent first impression? The idea of moving to a different life, leaving my former self behind is frightning and unfathomable. i cannot imagine my future at this very moment, perhaps because of my teachers, or my friends that do all they can to motivate me about what will be seen in the upcoming years. currently I stand dumbfounded about my last two years of highschool, and my acceptance letters (hopefully).
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