Who am I trying to fool? Am I fooling my parents? Am I trying to fool God? I am just fooling myself. He does not love me the way I want him to love me. He doesn't love me. I am just his convenience, I am nothing more than an object in his eyes. I want to care about people, but I don't even know why I make the effort because no one cares about me. It makes me more mad than anything, I don't want his sympathy, he would not know what empathy felt like if it bit him on the ass. I know how he feels, I showed him I cared, and he shot me in the heart with sarcasm. His words were so paradoxical because he acts as if he cares, he holds me tight and kisses my lips, I give him myself to easily. I am disgusted with myself. I hate who I am, but I can't stop. I feel temporary happiness, then end in tears. I can't let him see me cry, I have to be strong, I have to move on. I can't let him get under my skin. But I know he has already (literally). I don't want to hear him say, I don't want him to say "I am sorry" because it is insincerity. It will eat my insides and deteriorate me slowly. He does not understand how much he meant to me. I tried to move on, but I ended up finding him. He sells himself short and says I will forget him, but he has already forgotten my name. But it is me who has forgotten my identity. I crave success, and happiness. Is it so difficult to ask for someone who will love me. Why is it so hard for people to open themselves? I am practically on the operating table every day of my life. I trust in people with all I have, with all the hope I possess only to receive shit. I have a faulty doctor, and my blood drips down my body onto the floor. I am killed daily inside maybe I will become immune to this virus, maybe I will become numb with novocaine, or drugs. I can't admit everything, but I have a drug that make me feel nothing other than love and emptiness after. I am judged daily, I hope there is enough time for my judgement day, but I already know my verdict. I will rot where I stand, I will be staring it in the face, even though it has lived beneath my face.